wanted to update on wad happened the past week but realised sano havent have the time to upload the pics for me yet so i'll leave till the next entry to blog abt them.

a question have been ringing in my mind for the past week or so i guess. rather than a question i think it's more like a nagging feeling.

am i happy?

why do i ask this question out of nowhere? i don't know either. been trying to think and do lotsa soul searching, questioning myself to dig out the reason for my feelings.

what is it that's making me unsettled? it's v mild but nevertheless it exists. i wanna face it but i need to know what it is first.

i guess initial stage of my guess is that nonetheless i'm facing some personal issues here. quarter-life crisis? hah! nah..

altho the idea that i'm already turnin 22 this year sucks big time and in just 2-3 years down the road i'll turn mid twenties suck even more.

my hectic lifestyle is getting more toned down recently. still go out but less draining that for the past month.

i have alot of adjustments to make. mentally, thoughts.. lifestyle.. mindset.

embarking onto yet another journey to understand myself.

been getting home late recently. when i'm online most of the ppl i wanna talk to are off. thank god i still have sano around haha..

lotsa catching up to do i guess.

i miss engaging in talks that are more personal whereby u'll feel, at the end of the convo, that u know ur friend better and the bond of ur friendship is affirmed/strengthened.

i realised the differences in the ability to connect and communicate to people can be so great. i'm really feeling the impact of it now. cos it's linked to the people that matters alot to me.

somehw i hv the gut feeling pointin that as the primary reason to why i'm havin this melancholic-bug in me.

i nid people who can appreciate things around them at the same frequency as me. especially people whom i'm close with. if i can't find that, i feel empty and lost.

am i feeling that now?

i miss someone whom i do not wish to miss.

i miss the communication.

the ability to talk ever so freely.

it sucks.

ah.. emotional surge. now i feel like tearing.

guess i hit bull's eye on pinpointing where my melancholic bug lies.

am i considered an emotionally demanding person?

i guess i am.

very much so.

not many people is able to handle me when i'm full fledged at that.

hahaha

sano have seen the ups and downs of maria.

what maria truly is.

i guess if he reads this he'll somehw feel wad i feel?

i guess i've gained yet i've lost.

what do i need? a breather. yeah i guess i need that badly. i nid time-off from work. to let myself regain the freedom to do things at my own time and at my own randomness. is this a trait of saggitarians to not like to be restricted? haha perhaps. i need the time to allow my senses to recover and to feel things properly, have the time to think about them at my own pace, to go out and smell the air of city-life at my own pace. i like crowds somehow. that sense of liveliness. i wan the time to cry to laugh to feel.

my time seem to be so squeezed up recently.

i realised that whenever i'm in the mode i'm in right now, nobody really knows what to do help me feel better. no matter what they say or do they cant truly understand. onli person who can pull me out of it is myself. haha

what does wilson provide me emotionally?

haha was talkin to sano abt it somehw. i guess i'm contented to hv him cos he's a stable bf. what i mean abt that? simply mean i wun expect him to cheat on me. once i talked about needing constant reassurance from my potential bf (back then) cos of the past hurt. i'll face the fear of not being able to trust the person i'm with. somehw i dun really have that to worry when i'm with wilson. thank goodness. i'm tryin to understand if i'm unsettled in life, in friendship, or in my relationship. haha

spoiled pc at home doesnt help u know. my constant nid to blog is getting deprived. tots are delayed and thus the feeling of that moment vanished as quickly as the moment it is over. bleh!

read something sano wrote, all i can say at the end of it was that we both learnt and gained alot from that experience together and he's someone i treasure alot. both our friendship went thro a test. a v strained experience, a very trying time for both of us but we emerged stronger from it. how impt is his friendship to me? something i will at all cost, not wan to lose haha. at the expense of what to keep it? everything.

sometimes i find myself quite scary when i'm pushed to my limits haha cos the random experimental tot of to wad extent would i go to keeping my friendship of sano and a few that mattered? and i found myself havin a v direct conclusional answer. even to the extent of breaking off ties with whoever threathens my friendship w those close ones of mine.

wheebum. feel better after bloggin the shit cooped up in me for so long.